Sixth months ago today our life was in it's normal chaotic state as we were adjusting to life back at school. We worked, the kids had their activities, we balanced homework and play dates. We were kind of parent zombies. We were going through the daily routine and somewhat enjoying the weekends. But we were busy and we weren't going to slow down anytime soon. We were planning Halloween costumes and already thinking about Christmas.
Or at least that's what we thought. But I guess the universe had other plans. Life altering plans.
It was a normal Tuesday. I took the kids to school, came home and cleaned and ran errands. Fin, Stevie and I played in the yard. I got dinner ready and got ready for work. Picked the kids up and then rushed to work the second Steve got home. I think we barley said hello.
It was a normal night at work, nothing too exciting, not too busy. I left work and came home to all the kids sleeping and a pile of laundry on the sofa. Steve and I had a short conversation about our days and how the kids were that evening. He headed to bed and I decided to tackle the laundry. I made myself some tea and turned on the tv (I don't remember what I was watching.) Stevie woke up and i nursed her back to sleep and lay her on the sofa next to me as I folded the laundry.
Then everything changed, in an instant. I started to feel really hot and shakey. My hands tingled. I didn't know what was wrong, I actually thought I was having a hot flash. But I was too young for that. I got a drink of water and walked outside.
I started to feel worse. I ran inside and woke Steve up. I didn't know what was wrong but I knew I didn't feel right. He told me to sit down and try to relax. Only I couldn't sit down, I started to feel worse and worse. I walked back outside and it hit me like a mac truck. The worst pain ever right in my chest. I fell to the ground and yelled for Steve. He called 911. I was panicking. I thought I was going to die. I wanted to get up and hug the girls and tell them I loved them because I wasn't sure what was happening. The ambulance got to our house and I yelled for Steve to shut the door. I didn't want the girls to wake up and see me like this. I couldn't breath. I was hooked up to all these machines on my front porch and crying because my babies were right inside. They put me on a stretcher and placed me in the back of the ambulance. I was so confused. What the hell was happening to me? The medic looked and me and said I was having a heart attack.
Um, excuse me? I'm too young for that. I'm healthy. Wait, what the hell. No, I have four kids. I can not be having a heart attack. I have to work, I have to throw a baby shower, I have too much going on. I can't be having a heart attack, I just can't. I couldn't even talk. I honestly went mute. They rushed me to hospital and I answered their questions like a robot. I was in a daze. I was alone. I was flipping terrified.
Once I got to the hospital they ran a series of tests and confirmed that in fact I had a heart attack. I think they asked me like 100 times if I had done any drugs in the past 72 hours. No, a hole I haven't done drugs in the past 34 years let alone the past 72 hours. They ran more tests. They took me for a scan and my fingers were swollen, they had to cut off my wedding ring. I couldn't get a hold of Steve or my mom or anyone for that matter because my phone was at home. And do you know there's no phone in ER rooms?
I was alone.
I was terrified.
They told me I was going to be admitted and they would have to run more tests. But the good news was that I didn't need emergency open heart surgery. Um, that's the good news? They couldn't at this point tell me why this was happening. I sat in that f'ing er room and cried.
Why was this happening to me?
This can't be real. It has to be a bad dream.
I finally got a hold of Steve and explained to him what was going on. He was floored. They had told him I was having a panic attack so not to worry. Great communication people. Thanks for that. My mom, dad and steve rushed to the hospital. My friends came to help out. My mother in law flew in from California.
I was admitted to the hospital where they continued to run tests and procedures over the next few days to figure put why this happened. They didn't really have solid answers. One of my arteries was misshapen but they couldn't fix it and couldn't tell me why it happened.
I was confused.
I missed my babies.
My boobs hurt so bad because I hadn't nursed in days.
I cried A LOT.
They released me late Friday evening. I was told to take all the medicine prescribed and follow up in two weeks. I got to go home and hug my babies. I cried a lot more. I was so relived to be home, but still so shaken by what had just happened. I was sad because I couldn't nurse Stevie anymore (the medicine I had to take to protect my heart was bad for her.) I squeezed my girls harder than I ever had before and took the longest shower. My mother in law took the big kids away for the weekend so I could rest. I didn't want them to go. I didn't want to leave their side ever again. But I needed to rest. I got the best sleep that night. I woke up feeling refreshed and so thankful to be in our home.
And then it happened again. Same pain, same tingling. I called the hospital and they told me to come right in. We loaded the baby in the car seat and got in the car. The pain was unbearable. I got out of the car and my husband called 911 again. Yep, I was having another heart attack....
*pic by Taylor Anderson photography taken 3 days before everything happened
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