nothing to do with luck

I wasn't going to post anything today. I have all these have finished drafts, half finished thoughts that I've been writing on, but zero desire to finish any of them this week. I've had a lot of stuff tucked in the back of my head, feelings of going through something that was unexpected and life altering. I've also felt guilty for these feelings because we'll as a lot of people like to tell me, I'm lucky to be alive. I'm lucky that it wasn't worse. I'm lucky.

And yeah, I am lucky to be alive, but aren't we all? Aren't we all lucky we made it through this and got through that? And maybe I've tucked those feelings away because it feels wrong to not feel lucky. It feels wrong to be mad. It feels wrong to want to say as lucky as I am to be here, I sure as hell didn't feel lucky when I was going through it. It doesn't feel lucky to deal w the shit that comes after it. The anxiety, the worry. 

I had a Dr's appointment today, and it didn't really go as well as I had hoped. But Dr. Most Amazing said something to me that hit a chord. He said that this universe plays some shitty cards (his exact words) to some people.  And just because one card isn't as bad as someone else's, it's still a shitty card. And we have a right to be mad and angry and sad. That we discard our grief and worries because "it could have been worse." When really we need to face it and own the shitty stuff. We (well I) need to be able to say that we went through something that was horrible and scary and life changing and we don't need to feel okay about it just because it could have been worse. (I swear he is part my cardiologist and part my therapist.)

We talked more about getting over all the crap and the anxiety and the worry and the anger. We talked about how we need to take control of our own hearts and desires. We need to take back the ropes and choose to live in the moments whether they are good or bad. That going through something traumatic can show us the good all while still being furious that the trauma happened. 

I'm pissed that I went through something so shitty and I don't feel lucky to be alive. I feel grateful, ecstatic, happy, blessed. But not lucky.

Xoxo, D