I read somewhere that self improvement doesn't count as improvement if it doesn't start with ones soul. And I have definitely come to believe this is true.
These past few months I've really struggled with my weight and body image. This subject is something that I have wavered writing about. It makes me feel vulnerable because it feels shameful or degrading. I feel embarrassed by it, but also ashamed because in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. I mean I'm here, I'm alive, my kids have their mama, my husband has his wife. My family is healthy. We have a beautiful home, we have friends who are like family. We have family who we love dearly.
I'm 100% about self love and accepting yourself for who you are. For loving your body no matter what size. So why does this matter? Why does my weight and body image matter so much to me?
I've (somewhat) learned to accept that I've gained weight after having four kids. I've learned to accept the bumps and rolls. I've learned to wear clothes that show my curves and also clothes that make me feel comfortable. I'm cool with the fact I won't be a size 2 again. I've learned that my weight doesn't define who I am.
I wouldn't let it to define me.
I was comfortable in my skin. I did yoga, I walked, we ate healthy. I was okay with the extra weight I had added over the years.
Then I had three heart attacks. And I can't even tell you the amount of times friends, family, coworkers and acquientenses asked me if my weight had something to do with my heart attacks.
If my cardiologist recommended that I lose weight so it doesn't happen again?
Um, what the f? Really?
No, my weight had absolutely nothing to do with my heart attacks, thank you very much.
This really took me to a bad place. Was I really that overweight that people would ask me this question? Did people view me as unhealthy? Did I really care what people thought? Then I started to view myself as overweight, as fat (a word that I'm not too fond of.) I wasn't able to work out, I was eating a lot of comfort food. I started to feel worse about myself. I felt like I needed to change because of what people had said to me.
At a Dr's appointment I broke down and actually asked my cardiologist if my heart attacks were a cause of me being overweight (I already knew the answer was no.) He assured me that in fact they were not and that I was not really considered overweight. That yes, I could lose a few pounds but I could slowly start working out again and that would come with time.
I started to walk (because that's all I was cleared to do.) The weight didn't fall off like I had hoped. I felt down on myself, I was disappointed. I didn't really speak about it much because it felt shameful. To be honest, I was embarrassed.
Slowly I started doing yoga again. I started feeling a little better about my body. I hadn't actually lost any weight, but I felt better because I was finally able to do something for me. After a few more dr appointments I was cleared to do a little more activity. I started the 15 day mommy fit challenge and I'm doing it just for myself. Not for the people who made me feel overweight. I'm doing this 100% for me.
So maybe my weight hasn't improved much but my thought process has, I've come to realize that I can be happy at any weight. Although I do want to lose a few pounds, I'm good with my body. And I hope more than anything I can teach my girls to feel the same. I hope that through this journey I will show them we are all beautiful, despite our size. That health and happiness are more important than our jean size.
So it may not be the type of self improvement I was looking for when I began, but this self improvement started with my soul and I feel good about that. No matter the number on the scale.
(Once again, I suck at selfies.)
XO, D
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