Letters to my babes

To the girl who made me a mama,

Well my love, we have survived ten years of this mother daughter relationship and let me tell ya, you have wrecked me.

You were this beautiful and sweet and completely unexpected adventure in our young lives and I was terrified. I didn't know what I was doing, I was alone. Your daddy worked a lot to take care of our young family, so really it was just you and me. We spent our early days walking, cuddling, learning how to nurse. We were completely and madly in love with each other. It was this crazy love that I never knew existed. But I was also so tired. A tired that I had never known existed either. We had sleepless nights that ended in crying and early morning snuggles that resulted in butterfly kisses. I would get frustrated. But then your big toothless smile would wipe the frustrations away. This wrecked me.

Over the next few years you and I really grew up together. I was learning to be a mom as you were learning to walk and talk. We went on play dates to the park and had coffee dates every Sunday. You held my hand as you slept and always smelled like your daddy. You became a big sister and man you were the best. You loved her and snuggled on her. You were always trying to help me out. You would still crawl into our bed some nights and hold my hand. I loved you even more because of this, but it wrecked me.

Soon after we had Avery you started preschool. I hated leaving you. I hated that you had this little life now that didn't involve me. But you loved it, you beamed with pride everyday when I picked you up. Your art work from school decorated our walls. You taught us all the songs you learned and couldn't wait for your sister to talk so she could sing them with you. Your little baby face was slowly looking older. It wrecked me.

You started kindergarten and we had a third baby. I remember feeling guilty because I had less time for you. I would cry about it at night as I watched you sleep. But you, man kid, you were amazing. You always were this ray of light that would ease the sleepless nights and guilty feelings. We grew a little more together. You were learning to read and I was learning to juggle three kids. You would crawl into your sisters bed and I would find you asleep holding Avery's hand. It wrecked me.

The years flew by and we had a fourth (surprise) baby. I was kind of a mess, because I felt like I was barely holding on with three kids. I will always remember one day I was crying while packing your lunch because I was just overwhelmed. You came over and hugged be. You looked at me with those big brown eyes and smiled. You didn't say a word, you just stood there and held onto my waist. You wrecked me in the worst way.

Ashlee, you are one of the most amazing human beings I have ever been blessed to meet. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I know that God was doing something right by putting you in my life. We may bicker and fight ( mainly because you are the mirror image of me in every way and I see so much of myself in you) but you are sunshine in a bottle kid. You are true to yourself in a way that not many people can be. You are shy and funny and sweet and honest. You have taught me to be mama. You have taught me what real love is. And you have wrecked me in so many beautiful ways.

I love you sweet girl.

Xo, your mama

First day of preschool

My Darling Bird,

Yesterday was was a big day for you ( and for me too.) You started preschool!

We waited longer than normal to start you in preschool and a lot of it had to do with our anxiety over your allergies and asmtha.  We originally signed you up to start in September but then found out at the orientation that the school was in fact NOT nut free.  Leaving you where you could possibly have a major reaction was something we were not going to do, so we pulled you out. (I already have nightmares about sending you to kindergarten where I can't control what people bring for lunch and the possible effects that could have on you.) I looked for another school but couldn't find one that had openings. But between you and me, I was kind of okay with that.

See, you've been my little sidekick since the day you were born. And with all your hospital visits and health issues, I wasn't sure if I wanted you in someone else's care ( even if it was for a short period.)

But then I came across the perfect place for you. A small, NUT FREE preschool just down the road. I called to talk to the director about my concerns and possibly enrolling you in their school and it turns out her daughter has some of the same health issues as you. So although I was nervous, I signed you up for a trial day to see if it would be a good fit!

The day before we went and bought you a new backpack to ease your nerves. I wanted to to tell you I was nervous too, but I just kept telling you how much fun you would have and the new friends you would make. When you went to bed that night you said you were a little scared and didn't want to go. I really wanted to be selfish and say okay you didn't have to go. But I couldn't. I knew this would be good for you (and so much fun!)

That morning you were so excited to wear your new shirt and backpack but not as excited to actually go to school. You kept asking me for good bye hugs even though we still had hours before your class started. As we got in the car you started to cry and say you didn't want to go, that you wanted me to go in with you. I promised I would stay as long as you needed.

We got to the school and walked in. You wouldn't let go of my hand. We walked through the school to your classroom and hung up your coat and backpack. You quickly grabbed my hand again. The Teacher walked over and asked you to pick out the book for circle time. You looked up a me and smiled. Then you let go of my hand and picked out a book. You walked over to the rug and sat down.

My eyes filled with tears. I was so proud of you. I was so happy but so sad. I sat in the back of the class and watched for a few minutes.  You didn't look back. I walked out of the school and couldn't wait for the hours to pass so I could pick you up and hear all about your morning.

You were beaming when I picked you up and excitedly told me all about your morning and how much fun you had.You showed me around your classroom. You said bye to your new friends and even gave your teacher a hug. You can't wait togo back next week.

And just like that, right before my eyes, my little sidekick grew up. I love you so much and am so so proud of you (even if it broke my heart a little.)


Xoxo, your mama

18 months

My crazy sweet Stevie,

You are a whole year and a half now! I just can not believe it. Here's a little about all the wonderful things you do and are...

You are absolutely fearless. You climb on everything, the kitchen table, chairs, your sisters bunk beds, the swingset ladder.
You love to dance & anytime music comes on you wiggle your little shoulders and shake your hips.
You are always putting everyone's shoes on and walking around the house in them.
You love our puppy ziggy so much & he loves you back.
You are the apple of your sisters eyes.
Your favorite foods are strawberries, snap peas, meatballs and puffs.
You love snuggling under blankets & are constantly tucking yourself into any blanket you see.
You just started playing with babies and you tuck them under blankets too.
You want to be wherever your sisters are at all times.
You got your first bad cold this month, and you wouldn't leave my side the whole time you were sick.
You are the spitting image of your daddy.
You have a full on baby mullet.
You are curious and oh so smart.
You still only have 6 teeth.
You give the sweetest hugs and kisses.
You are so many amazing things, more than I can even write.
We love you beyond all the stars our sweet little coconut.

Xoxo, your mama (and sisters and daddy)

Also, a big thanks to Taylor Anderson Photography for all these amazing pictures.

letters to my babes

My sweet sweet Avery,

Today something happened with you, and it's something that I don't want to forget, so I'm writing this down for us. It may seem like a memory I wouldn't want to remember, or you may not want brought up. However, it was what happened after the event that I don't want to forget. So here's what went down.

You picked up your baby sister (as you do quite often against our wishes.) As soon as you had her in your arms she wiggled and squirmed and you dropped her on her face. 

She screamed, you cried, I yelled. I was upset that your sister was hurt, you were upset you hurt her. I consoled stevie as you sat on the floor crying. I know how sensitive you are, how deeply you feel for others. I knew you were genuinely sad for your sister and what you did. I felt tears in my eyes and they weren't for your sister, they were for you. I felt sad for yelling at you, for not controlling my emotions, for not being sensitive to your needs.

See no one tells you how hard being a parent is going to be, how you will have to learn to adjust your ways of doing things to suit your children's different needs. I didn't adjust today, i got mad, I yelled. I didn't express my concern for your sister only my frustration towards you.

After Stevie was calm, I called you over to hug and tell your sister you were sorry. Only, I didn't need to tell you what to say or do. You hugged her and kissed her head. You were still crying and told her you were sorry. She looked at you with her big eyes and smiled. She loves you. I still didn't apologize, I still didn't bend.

I went back to making dinner and you sat at the kitchen table writing and coloring. You asked for some tape and I grabbed it without asking why you needed it. Then i noticed you were writing me a note, I saw the words "mom" and "I'm sorry." I asked you what you were doing and you said I needed to wait. I watched, once again with tears in my eyes. I don't know if words can describe how I felt in that moment. There's this saying "while we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."  

And that is exactly what happened. You handed me the note after dinner and it was beautiful. My sweet Avery, you are constantly teaching me how to love better and be a more caring person. You have a heart of gold and we are a better family because of this. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving so fiercely & unconditionally and for teaching me how to do the same. I promise to work on bending and understanding your needs better. I love you more than you will ever know.

Love, 

Your mama